It’s so easy to imagine living with you. FaceTime dating, round-trip flights, airport meetings where we walk together are like scenes in a romantic movie I’ve seen a million times. Hello shame, because none of us know how to handle it personally, not yet. We hugged and for the first time I breathed your scent. You take my bag and you put your arm around my shoulder. This is most of what we touch and my heart explodes in my chest. I can’t wipe the smile off my face.
I try to open up. How much of myself do I have to give? Is there such a thing as too much? I was never good at hiding my feelings, but finding the right words was never given to me either. I hesitate and then melt away if you give me as much time and space as I need. This is different from you. I don’t seem to be asking any more. For the first time, I thought only of the present moment.
I saw him laugh at my New York accent. You made me brave enough to take your hand and close it with mine. You are patient and don’t make me proud of who I am, especially when I am with you. And then goodbye, which none of us want to let go of. You hugged me tight and I tried to keep myself from tearing. You pushed my hair away from my face and kissed my forehead. Leave me with a gentle smile and tell me to call you when I land. It’s like I didn’t message you once I was at my gate.
But that’s not us. We go. We are two people living two separate lives. It’s easier to dream who we really are
It’s just because it’s not real. I can control the script rather than plunging into the unknown. You don’t even have to be, but that way I can deal with imaginary scenarios. I don’t even know if it’s you, but I like to think. I hope my perceptions of you via social media aren’t romanticized to live up to my expectations, but I may be wrong. I’ve been disappointed before. I got carried away, you know. It’s my fault, but I can’t help it. We were surrounded by love stories when we were little, vulnerable and naive to reality. Unfortunately, I was fixated on these stories. They take me through almost every phase of my life. However, I am not a fool. I know life doesn’t work like a movie, but it’s easier to wrap myself in a fantasy about everything than to expose myself to heart.
I never made dating a priority. In high school, I was buried in my books when girls and boys began to rest, had difficulty holding hands, or cuddled in the hallways. During middle school, my friends talked about boys and sadness and even going out, but I still wasn’t interested. College comes and goes, and I’m fine when I’m alone. However, over the last few years I have dipped my fingers in the world of dating and sometimes I wish I didn’t know. I wish I didn’t know what it felt like to be close to the first kiss. When he looked at me and suddenly the world stopped in front of the car. It all happens in slow motion, but when our lips finally meet there is an adrenaline rush. It was as if my hunger had finally been satisfied, but I was never completely satisfied. I want more. We lean against each other and our hands are all over the place. I lost control, but also seemed to know exactly what I was doing.
I wish I didn’t know how a simple touch could trigger something in me that I didn’t know was there. How could a hand that was gently rested on my knee suddenly catch fire. She went through my whole being and showed her face on my pink cheeks. I started to smile and there was nothing I could do but concentrate on the touch. It was like an electric shock as it happened, and as his hand moved, it left a coolness that could only be warmed by the touch.
I hope we haven’t met so it’s not that easy to create your own version that keeps everything to yourself but is never an experience. I don’t really know you. But I want.